Our friend Barbara passed away on June 14th. I’ve wanted to post since, but haven't been able to find the right words. Maybe there aren't any. My reaction to losing her has somewhat surprised me. I knew I cared for her, but didn’t realize how much, and now she’s gone.
I met Barbara through the Full Life Care organization called ElderFriends. It's a volunteer-based program that provides companionship, outreach, and advocacy services to isolated older adults throughout Seattle and King County. ElderFriends immediately appealed to me when I discovered it. It’s important that I build myself a life in Seattle that ties me to the community as well as grow relationships with people here. Also, volunteering makes me feel good about myself, and as much as I’m doing this to help someone, I’m also doing it to help myself. I was really excited when I got an email from Ginger at Full Life last July telling me she thought she found a good elder match. After reading Barbara's profile, I agreed. On paper we sounded perfect for one another.
After having a brief phone conversation to schedule a visit, I met Barbara at her home, the Good Council House in Capitol Hill. I visited one evening after work for just under an hour and we spent time talking, trying to get to know each other. Barbara was then 82, her birthday was August 19th. She grew up in the Seattle area and talked fondly of spending summers with her grandmother on Bainbridge Island. She was a former social worker, writer and mother of two. Prior to her death she’d talked to me about wanting to pull together her poetry into a book. In her later years she’d discovered an interest in art and attended classes at Pratt Art Institute. Her main focus was collage and her apartment was decorated with some great colorful pieces. I hoped she'd make something for CE one day, it would've been a perfect addition to her vibrant bedroom. Barbara was a Buddhist and enjoyed leading a meditation group with a friend in her building. A month prior to meeting her, she’d suffered from a fall that limited her mobility. She now used a walker, and could still get around, but very slowly and cautiously and not for long distances. I think this was difficult on her spirits at times.
I wouldn’t say Barbara and I hit it off right away, she seemed somewhat skeptical. She’d been matched previously through ElderFriends, and it hadn’t really worked out. Before I left we scheduled another time for a visit. When I called her to confirm our plans for the following day. She said she wasn’t doing well and that she was afraid her cat, Katie, was sick and needed to take her to the vet. I offered to take her. The cat was in very bad shape and Barbara was advised that the cat should be euthanized. As a Buddhist, Barbara was struggling with having to make the decision to end Katie's life. Fortunately the cat made the decision for her, passing away on the table while we there. It was incredibly sad. We both cried. I hugged and tried to comfort her. I’d say this is when our relationship really cemented.
Over the months that followed I visited with Barbara every couple of weeks, checking in with phone calls between visits. It was an exciting time for me. Sean and I had moved into our house and I was getting bigger and bigger as CE grew in my belly. Barbara was always very interested to hear how I was doing and feeling. She was always so perplexed and fascinated by the latest trends in pregnancy and babies. Its funny how so much can change over the years. When Carrie Ella finally arrived, Barbara was very excited to meet her. We visited for the first time just a few days before Christmas. I was so proud of myself, getting out of the house with my newborn and feeling confident that I wouldn't hole up inside during my maternity leave. The following visit, Barbara had a gift for Carrie Ella. She and a friend had walked to a nearby store and bought Carrie Ella a jean jacket and pant set. It’s sized for age 1, and now, seeing it in CE's closet makes me tear up, sad that Barbara will never get the chance to see her wear it. Barbara was so excited and proud of herself for buying it. She said she'd had so much fun picking it out.
When we visited, Barbara didn’t always ask, but I knew she wanted to hold Carrie Ella. Here’s Barbara in January, CE was 6 weeks old.
Barbara had the most amazing views from her apartment. Below, the needle and Olympics to the west. From her southern window she had an amazing view of Mt. Rainier, only of course, when the weather was clear.
On another visit with CE during my maternity leave, I took Barbara to Fred Meyers for a vacuum. When we got back I pulled up in front of her building knowing I only had time to drop her at the door and get home to nurse CE. (After 3 hours out and about, CE was quickly losing patience.) I got out and went around to Barbara's door to help her out of the car. As she got out, Barbara accidentally hit the car lock button and then closed the door, car running with CE and the keys inside of it! I can laugh now, but I was hysterical for the next hour until the tow guy got the door unlocked and I was reunited with the little one.
When I went back to work from maternity leave I knew it was going to be somewhat difficult to plan visits. I mentioned that maybe I could come from work, but without Carrie Ella. She didn’t like that idea at all. As much as she wanted to see me, she REALLY wanted to see Carrie Ella. Since I work from home on Fridays, it worked out that we could visit every other Friday in the afternoon.
Carrie Ella and I last visited with Barbara on Friday 5/31. Barbara was always excited to see how much bigger Carrie Ella had gotten and what new things she was up to. I told her that CE was really getting good with gripping and holding things in her hands so Barbara offered a little wooden drum that that sat on a shelf in her bedroom. Of course all CE wanted to do was chew on the drum stick. Before we left Barbara held her in her lap. I remembering thinking that I should snap a picture, but in my mind I thought, next time, we really should get going....always in a rush, but where to and why exactly?
I was scheduled to see her the Friday of the week she passed. I'd called Tuesday to let her know that I needed to reschedule. I didn’t hear back, and on Friday I called again to make sure she got my message and wasn't expecting us. In the back of my mind I was worried, knowing it was odd that she hadn’t returned my calls. On Sunday, 6/17, Barbara’s daughter, Sarah, called with the sad news. Barbara was having stomach pains and went to the hospital where they discovered she had a hernia. She died due to complications with the surgery.
Barbara was a sweet, loving, giving, intelligent, independent, strong and proud woman. We connected on an emotional level, both sensitive beings with big hearts. We spent our time talking about the things that mattered to us. She, about social issues of the country, art, and her daughter, who she loved & cared very deeply for. Me, about my work struggles and the excitement and joy of expecting and then the arrival of Carrie Ella. It was a beautiful and rewarding friendship. In just a short period of time, I have many wonderful memories of Barbara. Even so, I can't help but feel cheated, regretting the things I wish I'd done or the things that Carrie Ella and I will miss out on. Each time I think of her I cry, but with time, that will be replaced with a smile. Not only do I have memories, but Barbara is a reminder that life can change in an instant, so you better live in the moment, love in the moment and slow down and smell the flowers. I'm ever so lucky to have had the pleasure to know and call Barbara my friend.
Rest in peace, friend.
Her obituary:
Barbara Courtney
Barbara Courtney Beloved Barbara Courtney was the daughter of Francis Beal and Dorothy Mossman and the Mother of John and Sarah Courtney. She received her bachelor of arts degree at Mills College and later received her Masters of Social Work at the University of Washington. She worked as a counselor until she retired in various settings, such as family counseling, public school counselor, university college counseling and with homeless people.
She was raised in Tacoma and lived most of her life in Seattle, though she lived in New York and Los Angeles as well. She was a brilliant writer of critical acclaim and published in prestigious journals. She was also an artist who drew intricate sketches and made beautiful collages. She studied at Pratt art school. She was well loved in the community and had countless friends. She leaves behind a wondrous legacy. She is survived by her heartbroken daughter.
Published in The Seattle Times from June 22 to June 24, 2012
I'm so sorry, Kate. What a beautifully written tribute to her.
ReplyDelete